clean, funny jokes, please!!!!!
14 answers by real people - Really funny CLEAN jokes?
A guy dials his home phone number from work
A strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don’t have a maid!”
“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
“Ummm… she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.”
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?”
“What do I have to do?”
“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she’s with.”
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”
“Throw them in the swimming pool!”
“What?! There’s no pool here?” Long pause.
“Uh… is this 555-4821?”
What did the blond say when she walked into a bar?
So, a dyslexic walked into a bra…
Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
— He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a doG.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
— I don’t know, and I don’t care.
What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
How do you know there’s a soprano at your door?
— She can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.
How can you tell the trombonist’s kid on the playground?
— He can’t swing and doesn’t know how to use the slide.
So, there were these three strings standing outside of a bar. One string bravely decided to go in. The bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here” and throws him out. The next string decides to give it a shot and saunters in. The bartender takes one look at him and says, “We DON’T serve STRINGS here” and throws him out. The third string thinks for a moment. He loops around and shakes out his ends, and proceeds into the bar. The bartender looks and looks, and finally says, “… Are you a string?” to which the string replies, “Nope, I’m afraid not!” (get it?)
Two atoms walk into a bar. One says, “Oh no! I’ve lost an electron!” The other atom says, “Are you sure?” The first atom replies, “Yes! I’m positive!”
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart “cookie”, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
A woman shoots her
husband. Then she holds
him under water for over
5 minutes. Finally, she
hangs him. But 5 minutes
later they both go out and
enjoy a wonderful dinner
Answer: The woman is a photographer. She “shoots” him (takes a photo), holds it under water for five minutes (part of the developing process), and then hangs it to dry. She then takes her perfectly alive husband out to dinner.
My house is the size of a rich person kitchen
Quick! NAME 3 famous Mickey’s!???..
3. Mickey Way! (The candy bar..Mickey Way the candy bar!)
what do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef
what do you call a cow in the sun? roast beef
what do you call a cow with 2 legs? lean beef
y do cows wear bells? cause their horns dont work
what do you call a cow that just had a baby? decaffeinated